Advertisement

Someday I Won't Be Here


Dearest husband and children,

In the event of my untimely demise or incapacitation, I am leaving the following list of instructions. Put them in a safe place, you most undoubtedly will need them. 

  1. The toilet paper roll is held in place by a spindle. When one roll is empty, you may replace it with a full roll by firmly grasping one end of the spring-loaded spindle between your thumb and forefinger, then pulling toward the center of the spindle. Once free, remove empty toilet paper roll, then replace with full roll. To put spindle back in place, follow above directions in reverse.
  2. The stovetop may and should be cleaned. To accomplish this mysterious task, allow cooktop to cool (this is important, lest you burn your fingers and have to look for the aloe vera gel and we all know Mom is the only one who can find it). Then, use a damp sponge to wipe away spills and food particles. Repeat as necessary. 
  3. To clear cutting board of bread crumbs, use a clean sponge, a paper towel, a washcloth or even your hand. The important thing is that you do it.
  4. Bread will dry out if the bag is not closed properly. For this reason, bags of bread are sold with a handy closing device called a “twist-tie”. The twist-tie doesn't cost extra; it's thrown in as a free accessory. USE IT.
  5. Dumping clean clothes on the floor tends to make them dirty much more quickly. Some genius way back in history created a wondrous device called a "dresser". It has miraculous little things inside it called "drawers". You will find that clothes stay cleaner much longer when placed inside these strange "drawers". To use: Firmly grasp knob on outside of drawer. Pull knob toward you, thus opening drawer. Place folded clothes (see Appendix A for instructions on how to fold clothes) inside drawer. Gently push drawer closed. Slamming drawers has never been proven to help them stay shut.
  6. A stick of margarine will, by its very nature, collect bread crumbs. May I suggest using a butter knife to slice off the amount of margarine needed, instead of stabbing or scraping at random parts of the stick, smearing on toast and going in for another scrape, leaving crumbs embedded in the cube?
  7. Getting dirty dishes to the kitchen may sound like an insurmountable task, but I will try to explain it in elementary steps. First, grasp plate, bowl or glass in hand. Next, lift the item. That's right - just pick it up. Good! Now, turn your body in the direction of the kitchen and begin walking. Continue until you reach the kitchen (see map, attached). Finally, place dishes in sink. For the advanced, an attempt at rinsing dishes may be made. 
  8. You're just going to have to accept that when I'm gone, there will be no one to stay up all night baking cookies for the bake sale you forgot about until bedtime. There's just no way around that. I have, however, drawn a map to the nearest bakery (attached).
  9. Go ahead and pour those last few drops of milk out of the jug and put "milk" on the shopping list. No one is going to yell at you. 
  10. Using a snow shovel and rake to shove everything from your bedroom floor into the closet is not the same as cleaning your room. Along the same line, cramming every available space in the house full of stuff is not the same as being organized. Find a place for everything and keep it there.

I know it will be hard to go on without me, dear husband and children, but rest assured that I am in a much, MUCH better place.

Love,

Mom

Be the first to review this item!


Bookmark this

01 Aug 2016


By Christina-Marie Wright

Recent Articles more articles

A Christmas We Didn’t Expect Might Be the One We Need

in Holidays, Things To Do, Family Life, Mari Walker

2020 has been a year we didn’t expect, so a Christmas that looks different will fit right in. In this upside down season in an upside down time, some of the Walker family’s holiday traditions can remain intact. I’m not entirely bah-humbug and am look

Yes, We Are a Family

in Family Life, Amy Delaney

I recently saw an Instagram post of a mom and her adopted daughter creatively answering some of the most common questions that adoptive families receive. It was awesome and so relatable for me, and it brought to mind many of the questions that we use

Parkview Students Create Class Constitution

in Sponsored Content

This fall, students enrolled in United States History at Parkview Baptist School experienced a hands-on and creative approach to learning about the United States Constitution and how it was drafted. Students in Mr. Williams’ US History class learned

Luncheon to Help Stop Domestic Violence

in Local News

Franciscan Missionaries of Our Lady University is hosting a luncheon to help bring awareness and advocacy on global issues that also affect the local community.  

Advertisement
Newsletter