| Raising a little Heartbreaker |
 |
 |
 |
|
Helping your tween and teen with love 2009 cover Kids, Dante H. and Desiree J. Photo by Amy Martin Photography Photos taken at Louie’s café
Boyfriend stealing and breaking up become hot topics on the instant message (IM) circuit as the temperatures rise outside. It’s as if spring fever and summer vacation trigger romantic crushes and crises along with allergies. Who flirted with whose boyfriend, and “How dare she do that to her best friend.” You get the drift. If you worry your 11-year-old is too young to be an aspiring heartbreaker, you are not alone. Are you fretful your daughter with the active social life seems too experienced as she flits from one crush to the next? Mothers of sons feel uncomfortable, too, if their boys develop precocious e-crushes or are being chased by a new breed of aggressive girls. These flirty divas zero in on their prey via cell phone, text message, IM or the old-fashioned way of riding a bicycle past his house daily. At a younger and younger age boys and girls leave broken hearts behind like forgotten litter. Others mourn because they have no romantic action, not even a broken heart to mend. Don’t panic. What you are witnessing is quite normal. The book, Parenting 911: How to Safeguard and Rescue your 10 to 15-Year-Old by Charlene C. Giannetti and Margaret Sagarese, includes information from a Roper poll of 10-to-13-year-olds. Sixty-two percent of those poled said the opposite sex was very important to them. However, just because romance is definitely on the radar of tweens, doesn’t give them the right to date. Suspend your adult standards for judging boy-crazy-behavior, and look at these escapades from a 10-to-15-year-old’s point of view. At the age of 11 or 12, a girl is not looking for someone to love, not really. She is looking for the answer to a very important developmental question, “Am I lovable?” Unfortunately, you can’t rush in and reassure her with “Of course you are.” In her world, only peers can provide that answer. When she is “asked out” (defined as hanging together in front of her locker or lunch) she feels good about herself—good, but not secure. Girls and boys go from one crush to another to test themselves again and again with someone new. Middle school trysts typically last two or three weeks, barely enough time for you to learn the love object’s name. Your son or daughter is not so much a heartbreaker as an explorer in a brand new game—the love game. Ten-year-olds are too young for one-on-one dating, but not for an early educational primer on how to forge healthy romantic goals, expectations and relationships. Remember, going from heartbreaker to heartbroken happens. The experience comes with growing up. Take her love life seriously. Whether she waits for a boy to call, or becomes crushed because he dumps her, don’t dismiss this as only stupid puppy love. Talk about the emotions that go along with falling in and out of infatuations, such as bliss, jealousy and despair. Young adolescents feel intense emotions and often don’t know how to label them, or process them. Explain how high emotions can change in a flash. Teach her breaking up etiquette. When she changes her mind about a boy overnight, urge her to be careful. Explain how everyone can be sensitive to rejection. Though she shouldn’t continue going out with someone she doesn’t fancy any longer, she can let him down gently. Do not let her break the news through an email. Remember, the golden rule—do unto others—has its place in the world of romance. If a boy breaks up with her, or a girl breaks up with him, discourage your child from “trying to change their mind.” Talk about dignity. Ask her often if she is having fun. The game of love, whether at age 12 or 20, is full of ups and downs. Let your child know that romances are supposed to feel good and bring joy. Watch for any pattern that shows unhealthy treatment, such as being treated like a doormat. If a boy makes her miserable, tell her there are plenty of other fish in the sea. If she moves away from a bad situation, she is more likely to find another opportunity for happiness. Begin to set criteria for judging romantic partners. Once the “Am I lovable?” question gets answered, teens move on to more lasting relationships. They need help learning how to select good matches. Start asking, “What do you like about Brian or Brianna?” Let your child examine his or her standards, from beauty to personality, popularity to character. Talk up compatibility, pointing out how common interests are vital in successful relationships.
Recommended Reads Boy Crazy! Keeping your Daughter’s Feet on the Ground When her Head is in the Clouds By Charlene C. Giannetti and Margaret Sagarese Boy Crazy! helps parents recognize and remember the bumpy road of love their daughter is traveling.
Parenting 911 By Charlene C. Giannetti and Margaret Sagarese This guide covers tough issues parents of 10-to-15-year-olds face daily.
What’s Love got to do with it? Talking with your Kids about Sex By John Chirban, Ph.D., Th.D. Most parents dread the conversation, but this book helps parents approach difficult topics with openness and ease. |
